The Secret of Being Together by Tsafy Zur, Amos Zur

The Secret of Being TogetherThe Secret of Being Together by Tsafy Zur
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Marriage is an institution almost as old as the civilization. It is the bedrock of the society and smallest unit of it. The couple take wedding vow before. “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part.” Then why there are cases of divorce and the marital discord? Does people fall out of love, become infidel, become enemies and decide to separate from each other. This has disastrous consequence for them and children. It is also bad for society. So can something be done to reverse this?

Amos and Tsafy Tzur are marriage counseling couple. Their approach is friendly and they learn as the counsel. The book has many new insights as reproduced below:

1. We came across words that appeared over and over: Journey. Consciousness. Unconsciousness. Choice. Past. Present. Future. Dream. Only in the course of time did we realize to what extent these words represent our, “I believe,” within our therapeutic work with couples.

2. We chose to conclude the session by relating to another one of Renee’s statements: “I just don’t have any more strength to keep on going, I’m depressed. “Depression,” we said, “is not the right state to be in to make decisions that imply drastic changes. It is advisable first to relieve the depression, to go back a few steps and think things through, and only then can you make a sound decision. Depression is like a drop of ink that colors an entire glass of water. It stains life black and it prevents us from acknowledging the fact that there are other colors as well.”

3. “From our experience, we’ve seen that when a couple understands and ascribes to the idea that the relationship is the one who comes to therapy, it constitutes a leap forward in their journey. It is a stage when the partners stop arguing, struggling, accusing each other, or fighting about who is right. Instead of this, they mobilize themselves toward saving and nurturing the relationship that they both want.”

4. “In times of doubt, there is a tendency to simultaneously ‘press the gas pedal as well as the brake pedal,’ meaning drawing closer to one another and once again growing apart.

5. Quite often, we have noticed that when we liberate people from the need to know, and we suggest that they listen rather than think, they are suddenly able to hear things that they wouldn’t have thought of at all a minute or two before.

6. We’ve heard such words from many other couples: “A man will give love to get sex, and a woman will give sex to get love. Sherry wouldn’t have sex because she wasn’t getting any love, and Dylan wouldn’t give love because he wasn’t getting any sex. They were trapped in a vicious circle that had entailed years of estrangement, distancing, and a sense of loneliness for both of them. The dispute between sex and intimacy was the main issue they had chosen to discuss. They stood on opposite sides, and they were engaged in a war—the war of the sexes—the battle of sexuality versus intimacy.

The book is very good for couples whose marriage is under rough weather. They may gain a new perspective about the marriage. The book give some god tips about solving the discords and seeing things from others perspective.

Still the book becomes theoretical many a times. Also I feel therapy is a process where human interaction is required and it can’t be done by reading a book. Still the book can be a good starting point.

Recommendation and rating:

I would recommend it to couples whose marriage is going tough a tough time. I give the book 3/ 5 stars.

Where to buy:


It’s time to address your problems as a couple.
Learn about a unique type of couples’ therapy as you embark on a fascinating journey through the world of couplehood. Become more familiar with your own relationship, improving and enriching it, as you find answers to the questions that have been troubling you. Take your relationship to a higher and brighter place.
Peek into the journeys of other couples
Each chapter describes the work of a different couple grappling with its own problems: in the sexual arena, demons of the past that threaten to overwhelm them, emotional intimacy, and addiction. You will be made to feel as if you are sitting in the treatment room with them, accompanying them on their journey, while simultaneously “meeting” and “treating” yourselves. Peek into the journeys of other couples, together with your partner, and then look inward at your own shared experiences.
Be guided by the eclectic approach of top professionals
On the Israeli bestseller list and enjoying critical acclaim from professionals in the field of couples’ counseling, the authors of The Secret of Being Together specialize in combining the conscious, sub-conscious, imagination, images, hypnoses, creation, energy, and intuition – as well as the principles of Buddhism and psychology – in their therapy work.

From the author:

What has been our journey in recent years?
In the course of the last few years, we found ourselves learning martial arts in China and trying to learn the secret of the Tao. We found ourselves in Japan, observing those learning the art of archery and learning from them how to let go, how to cease gripping―how 'simple' the most difficult thing in the world can be. We met Dr. Raichura in India, clarifying for ourselves the difference between spiritualism and psychotherapy. We experienced the meaning of energy therapy in Sedona, Arizona, and in the south of France, we learned with Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk who believes in loving speech, deep listening, and right action. Indeed, we went on a marvelous journey that affected our relationship on the one hand and our work with couples on the other.
When we closed our eyes as we first started writing this book, the following words appeared to us: journey, consciousness, choice, past, present, future, dream. These words did not lose their meaning, but as we began writing the epilogue and closed our eyes once again, additional words appeared to us, words that indubitably did not exist at the time of writing the book, words that now constitute an inseparable part of any couple journey on which we embark: body-soul-spirit, energy, intuition, faith, mindfulness, unconsciousness, the subconscious, and supra-mental consciousness. Nowadays all constitute an inseparable part of every couple journey on which we set out and an inseparable part of our core beliefs. These words help us combine psychotherapy and spirituality. These words push us toward decrypting and understanding the secret of the relationship of every couple.

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